Dear readers,
I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but nobody on the internet can tell you that you ‘look gay’ or whether lesbians en masse will accept your body type, OR whether your nightstand is homosexual presenting enough to score you a date with Renee Rapp.
Seriously, what is up with that nightstand bullshit?
Why are all of our online spaces filled with desperate, dreadful validation bait like this?
When did the lesbian community get stuck in a cycle of begging for compliments and complimenting people for existing?
Why are lesbian spaces expected to serve as non stop praise shops?
I’ve been asking myself these questions for weeks.
Every few hours there is a long, droning whine that fills me with dread.
‘AM I WELCOME HERE???’
‘DO I HAVE A GAY VIBE???’
‘SHOULD I WEAR MORE RAINBOW PINS???’
‘DO YOU GUYS LIKE GIRLS LIKE ME???’
It’s all pointless.
The community is never given space to have real conversations or to make real connections because we are all forced to pamper, baby and validate insecure, needy people who wander into our spaces, demanding the soothing, soft words of lesbians.
They know the answer they will receive before they even ask, because they know that if lesbians do not play nice and smile warmly at everybody who pleads for validation that lesbians will be punished. No matter the question, the answer is likely to be the same.
‘Yes, you are welcome here. Please clog up the few spaces we have with this question again and again because we LOVE answering it.’
‘Sure, you have a gay vibe. I also said yes to the person who posted this ten minutes ago, who has a completely different vibe, but please don’t read into the fact that I say yes to everything.’
‘Wear more rainbow pins if you want, I guess? We all know that badges are the most important part of lesbianing!’
‘Sure! We all think the same, and we love everybody without question, because individual preferences are not real, and we exist to make you feel valid! Slay mama!’
It’s boring.
Aren’t the people asking these questions bored? Don’t they tire of the lifeless, routine responses that they receive? It’s obvious that a combination of female socialisation and the threat of removal from the small number of spaces we have is behind the need to respond positively and validate these dull attention hounds, but surely the attention hounds must see it for what it is?
ENOUGH!
You are in the space, and taking up space with your whinging, so it’s safe to say that your presence shows you are ‘welcome’.
There is no way to look gay. Homosexual women come in all types and there isn’t a dress code.
Wear a pin or don’t wear a pin. It doesn’t fucking matter.
One lesbian cannot tell you if every lesbian, or any lesbian will be attracted to you.
We deserve rich discussions, fun topics that engage our brains, the chance to make friends and find common ground. Instead, we are trotted out to validate vapid people and silently roll our eyes at not so covert OnlyFans marketing attempts from straight women.
It is far past time for our spaces to serve the community properly.
For some in our community, online spaces are all that they have. They don’t have the privilege of living in a country where lesbian bars or in person lesbian spaces exist. Sure, the options for offline interaction aren’t great either, but they exist for those of us lucky to live in countries where we have a few more rights and protections, and so it is all of our responsibility to make sure that those who have no option but online spaces arrive in spaces that serve them.
We all deserve better. Will we get better though? Doubtful. The over-politeness and people pleasing that are deep within the bones of every woman will be our downfall.
CC x x
Countess Casper is a regular columnist for Restless Violets Magazine. Through insightful commentary and personal anecdotes, she shares her perspective and invites thoughtful discussion on the day to day lives of lesbians.
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