Think about it. It literally means: “Gay people don’t exist.” When I tell people I’m a lesbian I am saying, very clearly: “I do not ever want to have sex with a man.”
And some people respond: “Well, you do a little bit.”
It is never okay to tell someone they are lying or incorrect about their sexual boundaries, their ability to say “I don’t want this.” You would never say anything like this to a heterosexual person, either you would never go up to a straight man and tell him he secretly wants to suck dick. If I said something similar to a straight woman, everyone would call me a creep.
Here’s a comment that disrespected my eyeballs the other week:
“Sexuality is fluid, I fear. People change. Your preferences will change.”
Maybe sexuality is fluid for some people. For me it is solid as diamond. And telling a gay woman she will want a man some day is conversion-therapy rhetoric. Telling a gay woman she wants a man, even if she doesn’t realise it yet, is rape-culture logic. More and more these days I feel that people don’t have much of a problem with the fact I like women, but they have a serious problem with the fact I don’t like men.
You should see the reactions I get when I tell people I’ve never kissed a man. As if an unwanted sexual experience is some important milestone I’ve missed out on.
Here’s how I explain this to the bi people in my life: “In the same way your attraction to the opposite sex is an integral part of who you are, my aversion is an integral part of who I am. It is not a void I wish I could fill. It’s a tangible part of my soul and I wouldn’t trade my lesbianism for the world. Please respect my identity the way you’d want yours to be respected.”
Not that this attitude represents the bisexual community as a whole. Several bi people have pointed out to me that this statement is also an example of bi-erasure. It’s similar to people who say things like “everyone’s a bit autistic” or “everyone has a touch of ADHD.” (And as someone who actually is AuDHD, I can confirm that no, not everyone is ‘a little bit neurospicy.’) It washes over the unique experiences of marginalisation these minorities experience. Both lesbians and bisexuals suffer under this toxic mindset.
You are entitled to explore your sexuality. You are not entitled to project your personal experience with sex and attraction onto the rest of the world. And you have no right to demand that other people be open to exploring, either – my sexual identity is a map I have covered a hundred times over. There’s no exploration needed.
I am not a little bit of anything other than myself. A lesbian.
Carys Burke is a British-Irish fiction writer currently travelling across the UK. She is working on her first novel, ‘Monster’, an urban-fantasy set in modern-day Sheffield. She is a proud lesbian.
Find more work from Carys Burke
Restless Violets 
Leave a comment